How to focus on you without hurting everyone else

How to communicate that you are choosing YOU without losing those around you.

I pissed off 4 people last week. For one reason or another, I upset 4 people in my life that matter to me to an extent enough for me to write about it. My boss, a fling, my best friend in New York and my best friend across the country. Now I know what you are thinking, actually I don’t know what you’re thinking. It could either be:

A. oh all THOSE people are trippin, this is a post about how you should focus on you and you only.

or

B. damn you’re a piece of shit, you definitely did something wrong, this is a post about taking accountability when you are dead ass wrong. 4 people though? How you even find the time?

Truly it’s a mix of both. It is very possible to take accountability even when people are over reacting. Honestly, most people only seem to overreact when you don’t realize how much your purpose in their life means to them. They really think their reaction is perfect for the situation at hand, and can’t seem to see how inappropriate or unnecessary their actions are until after the fact. When shit has been resolved.

If you have been reading my work or listening to anything I have said, I mentioned that this is a summer of transformation. People around you are changing, some are on big come ups, some are changing spiritually, some are going through a low and learning a lesson in humility, and some are learning more about themselves while their surroundings change or drastically stay the same. No one in your life is stagnant, Even the ones who say ‘same shit different day’, they just haven’t noticed the changes yet.

I know for a fact I have changed and am different from where I was in the beginning of the summer. In fact in the beginning I was really depressed, stuck, lost, jealous, ya’ll remember when I was crying in hookah lounges? Now I am in a rebuilding phase, and constantly feeling like something major is coming on the horizon. As I am changing though I have noticed more of a selfishness in me. Not so much that I don’t want to share my knowledge and what I have learned, but more so selfish with my time. I am less accessible than I used to be.

Its true, in the past, I catered to a man for an entire year who more or less treated me like an option instead of a priority. I had friends, co workers, family who had access to me any time and could put anything they wanted on me, with no real consideration as to what’s going on inside of my head. I found myself taking this summer to not talk to people as much, center myself, and most importantly do whatever the fuck I felt like doing as long as it wasn’t hurting anyone else. As I made these changes though I didn’t realize the effect it would have on others.

A butterfly doesn’t pay attention to its surroundings when it releases from its cocoon, it just flies.

So as I changed, I found that those close to me have had to adjust. I would get comments like “you’ve been so distant” when the truth is, I am working to figure out myself, and what is best for me and my peace so I can share the best energy in the long run.

Que: me pissing off 4 mfers in one week.

Now if I were to break down each situation this would be a 45 minute read, and aint nobodoy got time for that. So, I am going to summarize the similar frustration all 4 people had with me.

They lacked my time, attention, and most importantly communication.

All four people in one way or another, whether hostile, shady, silent, or conniving expressed the same view: they were yearning for my time and attention and I had pretty much taken that away without any fair warning or reasoning as to why. My lack of communication following my change was wrong.

Whether it was coming not into the office so my boss could be around me physically, or not sleeping over a boyfriend’s house, not texting a friend for a while, not checking in the way I should have, or pushing up a flight and ending a trip early. My actions were unlike me, because my usual notion is appeasing others even if it is at the expense of my own comfort.

This summer has taught me that… well that shit is for the birds. How can I show up for others when I am not showing up for myself? So, I began to do just that. Take my feelings into consideration first, in order to be the best for myself and those around me.

Growing up we are conditioned to think those who put themselves before others are bad. They are self centered and careless, but what if they actually are just self-aware?

You can be the best for yourself, be the healthiest version of yourself, be your number one support, and still care and love others.

Most times it really does take acknowledgment of your time, and validating how you feel in order to get to a place where you can be there for others.

It is completely okay to take time for yourself and do what’s best for you. Don’t let years of conditioning and this rhetoric of “being there for the community” make you starve yourself. On an airplane you put your mask on before you assist someone else. That’s how life should be.

The reason I pissed my friends off, the reason most people get pissed off, or shun you for choosing you over them, is due to lack of communication. Most villains in movies look like selfish assholes because they don’t take the time to express their plan and why they’re doing it. You ever wonder how different The Lion King could have gone had Scar just been honest about wanting more responsibility in the kingdom? Instead he built resentment to everyone around him and became a murderous psychopath. Communicate with those around you so you don’t become a serial killer.

Okay that’s extreme, but you have to communicate. A friend of mine, Shenarri announced to friends about a year or so ago that she was going to be less accessible. She made it clear that she was focusing on herself and her peace and that she was going to be less available. Shenarri had always been that friend, the friend who knew what events to go to, who would line you up with a job, was always down to go to lunch or dinner if you were in the mood. After always being that open, she flat out told people she would be less available.

Now some people could have taken it badly. They could say “I’ve done all this for you” but that isn’t the point, and anyone who holds the things they have done for you against you, wasn’t doing it for genuine reasons. It isn’t about repaying others, nor are any statements similar to that valid. The point is, closing some of that accessibility to be the best for yourself.

In hindsight I think it panned out for Shenarri, because sis is about to open a restaurant, and I have never seen a more at peace human being.

You have to do what’s best for your energy unapologetically. We live in a world where people will take and take and take. They are attracted to your light and warmth, and a person will only do what you allow. Don’t purposely give yourself the short end of the stick to make others feel fulfilled, because it will never be enough.

I wasn’t communicating that I was doing what was best for me with others. I just went off and did it. I bought an earlier flight when I didn’t want to be in an area anymore, I stopped talking to someone for a day, someone who I hadn’t realized was incredibly co dependent on me or at the very least addicted, because I wanted time alone. I hadn’t checked in on a friend, who was accustom to my full attention, because I desperately needed to focus on myself. All these abrupt actions led to consequences. To the point where I was told “you just seem to busy” “you showed me the kind of person you are” “why wouldn’t you say anything” “I don’t have patience for people who are going to be inconsistent.” Words that were meant to guilt me, because I hadn’t taken the time to communicate that, I’m just focusing on balancing my time, instead of giving all of me to everyone else.

Had I been upfront with the people in my life. Had I just been clear “listen I’m focusing on me, I need time for myself, I know the comfort I give you, but I am no longer comfortable” instead of disappearing I would have come off a lot more understandable and a lot less like a jerk.

You are in a time of transformation, this is your time to figure you out. You deserve this moment, you have earned it, but you have to understand how other people feel. If you were once much more accessible or accommodating and that is changing, you need to give other people the chance to adjust to that. There are 3 simple ways you can ascend and not damage any relationship in the process.

1. Take accountability when you hurt others. Whenever I apologize, I am saying sorry for the negative feeling an action of mine caused another person. Because it was never my intention to cause pain with whatever I was doing. Most people don’t like to say sorry, because their ego is too big and they feel like because the action wasn’t malicious they shouldn’t have to apologize. Fuck that. If you hurt someone’s feelings you need to take responsibility, because at the very least you can learn a lesson on how to move forward. In my most recent case, I apologized for not communicating, or coming off self-centered when I was really self-focused. Apologizing allowed me to mend those hurt feelings and communicate where I was coming from.
2. Set boundaries for yourself — I’ve said it once, I’ll say it till my lips turn blue: a mother fucker will only do what you allow. If you keep letting people walk all over you, take all your time, speak to you any kind of way, when you switch up they most likely won’t see that coming and ultimately will take shit personal. You must set boundaries, communicate that you only will give so much of your time, or you won’t condone certain behaviors. I have set boundaries with my boss, friends, family, partners. It may take some adjustment on their end, but ultimately it is what’s best for your relationship to evolve.
3. Pay attention to what relationships don’t benefit you anymore — sometimes even after you have communicated, even after limiting your time, even after apologizing and adjusting, some people are still going to be stuck. They will be resentful or distant or dramatic or hurtful. That’s when you have to decide if this relationship really serves you. It may be time to walk away entirely. Of the four people I spoke of, one person is no longer in my life. His ego just didn’t fit in my world. In fact there have been a couple people who I was willing to walk away from if their presence disrupted my peace, and it was not fixable. These are hard pills to swallow, you don’t want to lose friends, but don’t look at it as a loss, look at it as a relationship running its course. If people want to be around you, if they want to be a part of your world, they will make adjustments as you have. Look around at those in your life, who is sharing you and who is draining you. Who can hang on to be a part of your evolution, and who benefits from your past self? Answer these questions honestly, to gauge who should be around and who…should be out.

Summer is ending and its time to make decisions. Keep your peace in mind.